


This Is Not A Moment

by CatWingsAthena



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Almost everyone is neurodivergent queer or both, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awkward Conversations, But there are extenuating circumstances, Cheating, College, First Meetings, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Rallies & protests, This will be a series and that's the main rule
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-05 05:10:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14036883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatWingsAthena/pseuds/CatWingsAthena
Summary: Alexander Hamilton didn't think he was here to make friends. But New York is a place that can surprise even the young, scrappy and hungry, and soon he has not only friends, but someone who might be something more. However, complications inevitably arise when Alexander's maybe-boyfriend John Laurens turns out to have a secret that might destroy their chance at being together...





	1. On Advice Not Taken

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everybody! This work contains references to sex for services (specifically, a place to sleep), food insecurity, referenced homophobia, and brief past internalized homophobia. Also, I'm aromantic asexual and this is my first attempt at writing romance, so please let me know in the comments if it doesn't work (or if it does. That would be nice to hear). Oh, and the first chapter hews pretty closely to the song "Aaron Burr, Sir", but I promise, it'll diverge soon. Hope you enjoy!

It had been a long day, and an overly talkative nineteen-year-old new friend wasn’t exactly what Aaron Burr needed. Still, Alexander Hamilton had a way of insinuating himself into people’s lives, and Burr was no exception. As he would soon find out.

Burr had been sitting in his favorite sandwich shop, minding his own business, when a slightly lost-looking young man with longish dark hair pulled back in a ponytail and abnormally bright eyes caught sight of him, stopped looking lost, walked confidently up to him and said “pardon me. Are you Aaron Burr, sir?”

“That depends,” Burr replied, “who’s asking?”

The man laughed nervously. “Oh, right. I’m Alexander Hamilton. I’ve been looking for you—I heard you graduated in two years? I wanted to do that, so I’ll be out of school in time to campaign full-time against George King when he’s up for re-election, so I went and talked to the bursar, and... I may have punched him? It’s a bit of a blur. In my defense, he was acting like I was stupid. I’m  _ not  _ stupid.”

Burr was getting the sense that this Alexander Hamilton was, while definitely not stupid, sorely lacking in faculties such as impulse control and perhaps common sense, but said nothing to that effect. Instead he said, “it’s not you. They haven’t let anyone graduate in two years since someone tried it and had a mental breakdown.”

“Well, that  _ is _ stupid,” declared Alexander. “Blame the person who didn’t know their limits, or blame mental health services, but don’t blame the program and stop other people from getting ahead. I mean,  _ you _ could hack it. How’d you do it, by the way?”

“It was my parents’ dying wish,” said Burr.

“You’re an orphan!” Alexander practically shouted, sounding entirely too enthusiastic about it. “I’m an orphan, too!”

“Let me give you some advice,” said Burr. “Talk less, smile more, and keep your opinions to yourself.”

“I don’t like that advice,” said Alexander, making a face.

“Did you hear a word I just said?”

At which point Alexander’s stomach derailed the conversation by rumbling loudly. Of course, Burr had noticed the way Alexander’s eyes had been tracking his sandwich like targeting systems, and the way his stomach had rumbled periodically throughout the conversation, but he’d been ignoring it out of politeness. “If it’s okay with you,” he said now, “lunch is on me.”

Alexander made a face again, and briefly looked like he was going to protest, but apparently thought better of it. “That’d be nice,” he conceded.

Once Alexander was finished wolfing his sandwich (sweet Jesus, you’d think he hadn’t eaten for days), he got up and started towards the door. “Thank you,” he said. “I’ll keep working on the administration, see if I can’t persuade them to make an exception. Hey, there’s a Black Lives Matter rally happening tomorrow about twenty blocks from here. Given what you said about keeping your opinions to yourself, I don’t suppose you’d like to go?”

“I don’t do rallies,” said Burr. “Be careful, Alexander. Fools who run their mouths off wind up dead.”

Alexander was already walking out the door.


	2. On Fortuitous Meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! This chapter contains references to sex for services (specifically, a place to sleep), and references to mental illness. Hope you enjoy!

The morning of the rally dawned cool and clear—or cold and clear, if you happened to be from someplace where autumn wasn’t a thing.

Alexander was awake to see the dawn. He’d been walking all night—he didn’t exactly have a place to crash when he was in between hookups, and he wasn’t about to get any sleep anyway. So he walked. He’d gotten a full ride scholarship, so lodging would be covered once school started (not to mention food), but until then, what could he do?

As soon as the college opened, Alexander made his way to the office of the bursar to do some fervent apologizing, and possibly a little begging. He’d realized last night that, as the person who handled the financials, the bursar could probably revoke his scholarship. If that happened, he wouldn’t be able to stay in school. If that happened, his student visa would get revoked, and then he’d have nowhere to go. He’d sworn to himself that he was never going back—somehow, after school, he’d find a way to stay in the United States permanently. He’d barely been in New York City a week, and already he was thinking of it as home.

His meeting with the bursar wasn’t fun, but he seemed to leave in the administration’s semi-okay graces. And they weren’t revoking his scholarship. That was worth any amount of embarrassing himself with the “I’m new here, I’d had such a long day, I just got so overwhelmed, I’m so sorry” card. None of which was technically untrue, if you took “overwhelmed” to mean “overwhelmed with rage at being treated like an idiot” and “sorry” to mean “sorry I jeopardized my future for the sake of cheap revenge”. Alexander had learned a long time ago that the secret to effectively manipulating people was to be selectively honest—let the real you show through, but only those parts and to the extent that you want people to see. Of course, just because he knew that didn’t mean he did it very often. He prefered to dump the contents of his mind out into the world and let people take them as they would. Still, it was a good skill to have in his back pocket, for desperate times.

When the time for the rally arrived, Alexander walked over to the place where it was being held and easily merged into the sea of people. He loved this. A crush of humanity, all shouting their beliefs at the top of their lungs—figuratively or otherwise. He loved the intensity, the feeling of being a part of history, the knowledge that he was helping in some small way to pave the way for a better world. He wanted to do more—much more—but this was a start.

As for less noble motives, maybe he could meet someone here to hook up with. He hadn’t slept for the past two days. He’d tried sleeping outside, but he wasn’t used to the noise of the city—much as he liked it, he had insomnia at the best of times, and it wasn’t exactly conducive to sleep. Besides, there were police everywhere, and they didn’t always take kindly to people camped in odd spots. He could go back to his old trick of sleeping in libraries, but he didn’t know what the security in the libraries here was like, and he didn’t want to jeopardize his future career—or his standing in this country—by getting in legal trouble. He’d really like a bed to crash in tonight—not to mention, the getting laid bit would be nice.

As Alexander wandered, listening to people’s conversations in search of likely candidates, he heard a voice rise over the others.

“Our society will never be truly free until everyone within it has equal access to the benefits of freedom,” said the voice. “Today, America locks people up and forgets about them. We take away their right to vote. We take away their right to receive fair pay for their labor. We take away their right to see their families. In some cases, we take away their lives.” 

Alexander could see who was speaking now—and  _ wow,  _ he was cute. He was about Alexander’s age, with long curls and a smattering of freckles across his face. Alexander listened to the rest of his speech with enthusiasm, then watched him join two other men—one with longish hair pulled back in a puffy ponytail, one solidly built with close-cropped hair and very nice-looking pants. They both clapped him on the back as he looked away and waved his hand in a dismissive gesture, smiling all the while.

Alexander walked up to them. “Hello,” he said. “My name is Alexander Hamilton. Your speech was amazing. Who are you?”

“I’m John Laurens,” the cute guy replied. “These are my friends, Hercules Mulligan and...”

“Call me Lafayette,” said the guy with the ponytail in a French accent.

Alexander nodded.

They started talking, falling into an easy rhythm. Lafayette was a fucking  _ French aristocrat, _ of all things. Hercules was apprenticed to a tailor—“it’s a dying trade!” he declared by way of explanation, not that any was needed. John was in college studying politics, hoping to become a public defender. “My dad wanted me to be a lawyer,” he said. “I wanted to be a doctor serving marginalized communities. This was our compromise. Besides, this country’s ‘correctional’ system is fucked up. It’ll be good to keep as many people out of it as possible. I do miss science, though. I’m thinking about picking up a biology minor just for the hell of it.”

“You should, if that’s what you want,” said Alexander. “I’ve read that law schools here don’t care what you major in, as long as you get a good GPA and LSAT scores—but I’m sure you knew that.”

“Law schools here?” asked Lafayette. “Where are you from?”

Alexander shrugged. “You wouldn’t have heard of it,” he said. “Anyway, what does it matter? I’m here now.”

They nodded. “Well, if you ever feel like sharing, let us know,” said Hercules.

“You mean... I could hang out with you guys more often?” Alexander said hopefully.

“That depends,” said Lafayette. “What do you think of the American president? George King?”

“I think he’s horrendous,” Alexander said immediately and vehemently. “From what I’ve heard and read, he’s been increasing police power, turning this country into almost a police state. He’s unstable when it comes to foreign policy. And, he’s created a tax system that hurts everyone except him and his cronies. I could do better—I’ve been reading and writing about how financial systems work, and I  _ know  _ I could build a better tax system than what George Fucking King has in place. Then again, a five-year-old probably could. Once I get out of school, I’m going to work on a campaign against him—I don’t know for who yet, but I’ll find someone good—and get that idiot kicked out of the White House once and for all.”

Alexander talked for about five minutes, at an increasing volume and with increasingly sweeping gestures, until he finally noticed that people were staring at him.

“Oh, sorry,” he said quietly. “Am I talking too loud? I’ve been told my whole life I have volume control issues. Anyway, did I pass?”

“Definitely,” said Hercules.

“Wow! said Alexander. “I’ve never had a group of friends before, I promise I’ll make y’all proud.”

“Based on how you’ve been talking, I don’t think you need to worry about that,” said John.

Which brought Alexander to a dilemma.

Since talking with John, he’d realized he didn’t just want to sleep with him (although he did still very much want to sleep with him). He wanted John’s smile, John’s freckles, John’s anger. He wanted  _ John.  _ And he wanted more of him than he could get in one night.

If he went home with John tonight (assuming John even liked men), he’d get sex and a place to sleep, but he’d lose the hope of something more. He didn’t want that.

Which was approximately when it occurred to Alexander that maybe he could get a place to sleep without the sex part. He had  _ friends  _ now, after all.

“Hey,” he said. “I know it’s a lot to ask, and we only just met, but could I trouble any of you for a place to stay? Only until school starts.”

“Of course,” said Lafayette. “John here is staying with me anyway, and I have room for one more.”

“Thank you,” said Alexander. He took his pack off his back, opened it, and removed a small, ragged notebook. Flipping to a blank page (which took a while), he said “what’s your address?”

Lafayette told him.

Once Alexander had finished scribbling it down, he looked at John. Time to figure out if he had a chance. “John, I like you. A  _ lot _ ,” he said. “Can I have your number?”

John’s eyes went wide, and for an instant Alexander was afraid he'd made a mistake. Then John smiled. “Um,  _ yes _ !” he exclaimed.

Once Alexander had written down John’s number and put his number in John’s phone, he said “by the way, I might not text you for a while.”

“That doesn’t matter, we’re staying in the same place,” said John. “But, if you don’t mind me asking, why?”

“Because I have bipolar disorder, and I read that I’m supposed to sleep on it before I make any decisions that might change my life.” Alexander winked. Then he turned to Hercules. “I think your pants look hot, by the way.”

With that, he whirled around and walked away.

Once he was out of earshot, Hercules whistled.

“Wow,” Lafayette agreed.

John said nothing. Instead, he stared into space, grinning.

Within five minutes, his phone buzzed.

<This is Alexander!> said the text. <I never actually sleep on decisions. I just read that I should. It was a nice line, don’t you think?>

John snorted. “What is it?” Hercules asked. John showed him and Lafayette the text. Then another came in.

<Not that it was just a line! I really do like you.>

<It was mostly my way of letting you know I’m bipolar in case you want to back out. Which would be fine. I can be difficult to deal with.>

<But I was serious when I said I think you could change my life.>

John looked at his phone for a moment. He had a feeling those words hadn’t been easy for Alexander to type. But he knew exactly how to reply.

<I don’t want to back out.> he texted. <I really like you and I think you could change my life too. And I have recurring depression, so you’re not the only one who can be difficult. Looking forward to seeing you tonight!> He wasn’t sure what had prompted the disclosure about his depression. He didn’t normally tell people that unless and until it became relevant—but something about Alexander’s honesty had prompted a little honesty of John’s own.

Alexander texted him a winking face.

John smiled.


	3. On the Necessity of Awkward Conversations, and the Results Thereof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! This chapter contains references to homophobia and brief past internalized homophobia, as well as references to past under-18 sex (the involved parties are 17, which is over the age of consent where they are) and past sex for screwed-up reasons. It also contains infidelity, but, as stated in the tags, there are extenuating circumstances. Hope you enjoy!

Two weeks later, Alexander had firmly established himself within the friend group of John, Hercules, and Lafayette. His relationship with John was going along nicely—they sent each other flirty texts, had long conversations about the state of their nation and what they could do about it, and cuddled on Lafayette’s couch while doing homework (Alexander had a dorm room, but he spent just as much time at Lafayette’s place, which, more importantly, was also John’s place). They’d yet to sleep together, though. Which was kind of unusual for Alexander. Not because he was incapable of waiting—okay, he had no idea if he was capable or not, not since he’d been a kid on his first few dates—but because he’d never met anyone he wanted to wait for. He’d dated casually, and had quite a lot of sex, but never a serious relationship. He could tell his relationship with John was heading there, and honestly, it made him a little nervous. He was in love. That was scary. Would he even be able to pull off the monogamy thing? He’d never tried, and the idea of tying himself to one person with no room for error sounded awfully limiting. But maybe John was worth it.

If John even felt the same way. Their relationship was progressing well, with one exception—not only had they yet to sleep together, they’d yet to even kiss. Sure, they’d pecked each other on the cheek, but every time Alexander leaned in to kiss John properly, he leaned back slightly and looked about a million miles away. “You do know we’re dating, right?” Alexander had asked at one point about a week in. John had looked at him strangely. “Yes,” he’d said. Alexander wondered if John was asexual. That would be a problem. Then he realized he was wondering if he could work around it.  _ Wow _ , he was gone on this guy.

One night, Alexander and John were sitting on Lafayette’s couch, leaning into each other. Lafayette was out for the night (of which fact he’d informed them with an exaggerated wink), and the house was quiet, except for the sound of turning pages and rapidly clicking keys. Alexander was working on a paper for American Politics, and John was trying to study his Ecology textbook (he’d gone ahead and picked up that Biology minor). Eventually, John slammed shut his textbook and groaned.

“I am  _ way _ too distracted to study right now,” he declared. “How about you?” He turned his head to look at Alexander, and his pupils were  _ very  _ dilated.  _ Probably not asexual, then _ . Alexander wasn’t sure what the problem was, but if John was taking initiative like this, maybe it had cleared itself up.

“I mean, I  _ could  _ keep working,” Alexander joked, “but I’d be  _ delighted  _ to take a break.” Slowly, allowing plenty of time for John to indicate discomfort, he leaned in for a kiss.

Glory be, John actually closed the distance, kissing Alexander with enthusiasm that would’ve been mildly ridiculous had Alexander not been equally enthusiastic about the whole thing. John had his hands in Alexander’s hair, undoing his ponytail. Alexander’s hands went for the bottom of John’s shirt.

As soon as Alexander’s hand hit skin, John broke the kiss. “Wait,” he said. “If we’re gonna do this, there’s—there’s something you need to know about me.”

Oh. That explained it.

“Do you have an STD?” Alexander asked. “Because, condoms are a thing.”

John shook his head. “I know. But it’s not that. I’m...” he took a deep breath. “I’m married. But it’s not what you think,” he hastened to add.

“I assumed it wasn’t a simple case of cheating,” said Alexander. “You seem like too good a person for that. And besides, I think we would have gotten to the sex a lot sooner. So, what’s the sitch?”

John took another deep breath and settled himself on the couch. Then he spoke.

“As you may have guessed, I’m very gay,” he said.

“I’m bi,” said Alexander. “I wasn’t going to assume. But good to know.”

“I’m telling you that because it’s important for the story,” said John. “Now, the first thing you need to know is, I come from South Carolina. How much do you know about South Carolina?”

“Not much,” said Alexander.

“Well, it’s a pretty conservative state. And my dad...” he tilted his head in an indicative gesture.

“Oof,” said Alexander. He’d kind of figured that John’s family were conservative—shortly after the “you do know we’re dating” question, John had told him he wasn’t out to his family and to please not announce that they were together on social media or anything—but it still sucked to have it confirmed. He supposed in a way he was lucky, not to have anyone left from his old home who cared what he got up to.

“Anyway,” John continued, “when I was in high school, I had this friend. Her name was Martha Manning.”

Alexander had an idea where this story was going, but he kept quiet and let John talk.

“Our parents were friends, and we’d been friends for a long time, and I liked her. Platonically. But—by that point, I’d realized I was gay, and that that wasn’t going to be all right with my family if they found out. And every guy my age I knew was dating—that was the culture, where I was. So I asked Martha out, because I was scared that, if I didn’t, people would get suspicious. And she said yes.” He took a breath. “So, we started going out. And at first, it was fine—even kind of nice. We basically just hung out, except we held hands sometimes. Which I just realized is basically what we’ve been doing, but trust me, it’s for a very different reason. With Martha, that was all I wanted—but one night, we were alone in my room, and...” he broke off. “She was leaning in like she wanted me to kiss her. If  _ she _ figured out about me, she could tell everyone. So I kissed her, and we were sitting on the bed, and I thought, maybe I don’t have to be this way. Maybe I can fix myself. So...” he paused again. “Well, you can guess what happened next. And later, Martha pulled me aside and told me she was pregnant.”

Alexander nodded. “So you married her.”

“What could I do?” John replied. “She was pregnant, she was scared, and it was all my fault. And she was my friend.” He paused. “I married her because I felt sorry for her. Which I think she knows. Because when the time came for me to go to college, she said she’d always known I would leave. I made sure she’d be okay and then I left. One of my sisters is helping raise our daughter.” He smiled a little. “Her name is Frances. She’s adorable.”

“She’d have to be,” said Alexander, “with you in the mix.”

“So now...”

“You’re trying to decide if it’s morally okay to cheat on the wife you didn’t want?” Alexander said.

“Basically,” said John. “I mean... it was a courthouse thing, I never  _ technically  _ said any vows...”

“I like the word  _ technically, _ ” said Alexander.

“But maybe vows are implicit in the whole idea of getting married?”

“Look,” said Alexander. “I’m probably not the best person to ask if you want unbiased advice, because I  _ definitely  _ have an interest in the outcome, but if you want my take? You did the right thing by Martha. Now you’re here. This is your space, your life. No one where you came from has a claim on what you do with it, and nobody needs to know. You shouldn’t have to live your whole life bound by one mistake, especially if it’ll stop you from living to the fullest. Now, if it’ll be too much of a moral problem for you to be with me, then nothing will happen tonight, I will go back to my dorm and we can renegotiate later. If, however, you want this—and that look you’re giving me right now says you do—what are you waiting for?”

By way of reply, John kissed him.

(Which reply Alexander considered more than satisfactory.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John's sister, briefly referenced, is Martha Laurens (yes, she has the same name as Martha Manning, yes, it's confusing, just go with it). I messed with the historical Laurens birth order and spacing to make her older than she would actually have been, so she's 18 in this (you'll see why that's relevant in the next chapter). Hope you enjoyed!


	4. On Somewhat Belated Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! As previously mentioned, I messed with the historical Laurens birth order and spacing so Martha Laurens is 18 in this (you'll see why that's relevant shortly). Also, this chapter contains further references to infidelity with extenuating circumstances. Hope you enjoy!

Five weeks later, Alexander and John were commiserating about the one lousy professor they each had when John’s phone indicated an incoming call.

_ Martha M. _ , said the caller ID.

John’s eyes went wide. “We haven’t talked since I went home for Christmas,” he said. “Why now? Is it Frances?”

“Pick up and see,” said Alexander.

John had already picked up. “Hello,” he said.

“Hi,” said Martha. “First of all, Frances is fine.”

John gave Alexander a thumbs-up.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” she said. “Are you in a place where you can video call? In private? Because I’d like to say it to your face.”

“Yes,” said John, making a shooing motion at Alexander, who skedaddled. 

Martha hung up and video called John, who promptly picked up. “Hello again,” he said.

“Okay,” said Martha. “There’s something I’m about to tell you, and I need you to swear not to tell another soul.”

“I swear,” said John.

“Do you promise you won’t change your mind if what I say hurts you?”

“I promise,” said John, who was by now extremely curious.

Martha took a deep breath. “I’m a lesbian,” she said, “and I’m cheating on you. With your sister.”

John burst out laughing.

Martha looked at him like he’d lost his mind. “This is  _ not _ the reaction I was expecting,” she said.

“No, no, I just... Me too. I’m gay. And I’m cheating on you with a man.”

Now it was Martha’s turn to laugh. “Wow. What a pair, huh?”

“What were we  _ thinking _ ?” John asked, shaking his head.

“I have no idea,” said Martha. “But I strongly suspect I’ve been in love with your sister for a long time and managed to convince myself I was in love with you instead.”

“That actually makes some sense,” said John. “So, you and Martha, huh? That’s kind of perfect--the Marthas.”

Martha smiled. “Yeah,” she said.

“So, next time I go home, you and Martha--the other Martha--can share the big bed and I get a bed to myself?” John asked.

“As long as we don’t have company, that would be perfect,” said Martha.

“That sounds  _ awesome _ ,” said John.

Martha laughed. “I have to say, this explains a lot about our marriage.”

“Yeah,” said John. “Like our wedding night.”

“As I recall, we awkwardly watched TV until you pretended to fall asleep on the couch, and then I draped a blanket over you and went to bed.”

“You knew I was only pretending to sleep?” John asked.

“Wow,” said Martha, “has no one ever told you you snore?”

“I don’t think my boyfriend cares,” said John. “He doesn’t sleep much anyway.”

Martha smiled. “You sound happy.”

“I am,” said John. “Hug my sister for me, will you?”

“Will do,” said Martha.

“How’s Frances?” John asked. “I’m sorry I haven’t been calling to check in, I just...”

“I get it,” Martha said. “Frances is doing great. That’s the other thing I called to tell you--she’s walking now.”

“Oh, that’s amazing!” said John. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Of course,” said Martha.

“I should let you go now,” said John. “Unless you have any other revelations to share.”

“Nope,” she said. “It was good to talk to you.”

“You too,” said John. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

John sat and collected himself for a moment. Then he went to find Alexander, who had shut himself in the bedroom.

“What was that about?” Alexander asked.

“I promised I wouldn’t say,” John replied. “But Martha knows about me and you now, and she’s okay with it.”

“Wow,” said Alexander. “That’s some wife.”

“Yup,” said John. “I could’ve done a lot worse. In both the wife and the boyfriend department.”

Alexander grinned. “Same—minus the wife.”

“Love you,” said John.

“Love you too,” said Alexander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did I mess with the Laurens birth order? Because I wrote this before realizing that Martha Laurens would've been way to young for a relationship when John was 19, and then didn't want to change it. It's my AU, I get to do that. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Also, credit for the idea of lesbian Martha Manning goes to raven_aorla, author of the amazing fic Sharps Hour, found here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6152521/chapters/14096572  
> This fic was definitely an influence on mine in some ways, and I'm indebted to them for inspiring me to pick-up-a-pen-start-writing. If you want to read their fic, content warning for a (very nice) mental hospital setting. Other warnings provided.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! If you liked this, please let me know below. If there was something specific that didn't work for you, please let me know that too. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you have a great day!


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